Bonding and Attachment: Part I, Page 2
What I have seen is that bonding is a two step process. First, the parents must give the child love. Secondly, the child must accept it. The problem arises in the second step or phase. Because of past loss, some children are unable to trust. They are unable to accept the new parent’s love and risk losing it as they did with their first parent. It is difficult for most parents and many clinicians to believe that this could even happen with children and even infants. In adoptive homes, love is like a gift given to the child. The core problem is that the child does not accept the gift. In the end, the result is that the child looks and acts like he has not been loved.For some parents and clinicians, it is understandable that a three or four year old child may not accept an adoptive parent’s love. But for many parents and many clinicians, it seems illogical that an infant would resist being loved. There is no doubt in my mind, however, that a percentage of infants adopted at birth actively and spontaneously resist accepting their adoptive parent’s love. Everything in normal experience would tell us that babies want to be loved and if you give it, they will accept it. If something has gone wrong with the original parent— child relationship, however, the baby can be too afraid to again risk loving and being abandoned. When this happens, the parents will often try to give even more love. Usually, this does not work. Over time, the parents become more and more frustrated and feel rejected by the infant who resists virtually all their efforts to love him. Over time, many mothers and fathers who began with a heart full of love and hope, end up defeated, discouraged, and angry. Often they have a tough time, after years of such rejection, liking their child much less loving them. If they go for help, the child with RAD usually presents to the clinician as a friendly, cooperative, and healthy child. On the other hand, the parents, particularly the mother, often appear frustrated, angry and critical toward their child. The clinician frequently concludes that any problem that exists must result from the mother’s anger and criticism toward her child. Consequently, mothers become the focus of therapy and as a result feel even further misunderstood.
What is the solution? Knowledge is power. With knowledge comes understanding, a new perspective, and options or choices that previously did not exist. The first task in solving the problem in a child with RAD is detection. It is essential for parents who have an unbonded baby or child to discover it early and seek help. As with most, if not all medical conditions, early detection and intervention is always best. The sooner you can determine if there is a bonding problem with a baby or child, the more quickly we can intervene and provide help. For several years I have thought that all babies who are adopted should have routine attachment check-ups, just as there are well baby medical check-ups. After the child has been placed with a family for several months, bonding should have begun. Evaluations could be done on four to six months after the placement, and on a regular basis, thereafter, every four to six months. The evaluations could stop after two or three “problem-free” check-ups.
While parents should not be making a final diagnosis, they are the most likely persons to know if a problem exists. Often the child with RAD hides his problems from the outside world. Consequently, adults such as teachers and relatives often see the child as normal or as a “great kid.” Meanwhile, the child is very symptomatic at home, especially with his mother. In some extreme cases, the child even hides his symptoms from the father, displaying them only to his mother when the two of them are alone. In these families, even the father doubts the mother’s report of how disturbed the child is.
In order for early detection to occur, it is essential that parents know the core symptoms. This will give the parent warning signs that their child is having trouble bonding to them and may have developed RAD. There is a growing body of knowledge about RAD in children who are three or four years old or older. However, RAD often develops in infants. If it is detected in infancy, it can be healed very quickly and effectively. Even with children who are five or six years old, treatment may be very successful in a brief time. With older children the task is harder, but doable. In the next article, I will write extensively about RAD symptoms in both infants and children.
© Walter D. Buenning, Ph.D.
Credits: Used with permission from:
1773 S. 8th Street, Ste. 202
Colorado Springs, CO. 80906
(719) 477-9033
Dr. Buenning has a private practice in Colorado Springs. Prior to working with adoptive families, he worked for twenty years in mental health centers in several Western states.
