The Dynamics of Disruption, Page 5
Two of the three families who recently contacted me about disrupting had adopted two children at one time. Over and over I have seen how the likelihood of major problems increases exponentially for every additional child adopted simultaneously. Most of the cases of multiple adoptions with which I am familiar did not involve biologically related children. Certainly no one likes to break up true sibling groups, but some professionals believe seriously emotionally disturbed children have such poor attachments to their sibs it is not as devastating as one might think. I strongly discourage families from taking two or more unrelated children at the same time. Not only are they doubling their risk of getting one child with serious issues, but they may also find themselves with two very troubled kids. Or what if they get one reasonably healthy child and one very challenging one? Can they meet the needs of the latter without seriously impacting the healthy one?
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A therapist friend of mine often comments on how much difference a “good fit” makes between a parent and a child. My Chinese daughter who disrupted from her first placement two weeks before her third birthday was not a good fit for her first family. No one could have predicted this, of course-it’s just one of the risks a family assumes when they pursue parenthood. In my daughter’s case, her anger and attachment issues just compounded her first family’s difficulty in adjusting to her intense nature. Additionally, they had other young children and were too overwhelmed to provide the therapeutic environment my daughter required. My own intensity allows me to better understand my daughter’s approach to life.
That synchronicity combined with my knowledge of her attachment behaviors allows me to be very comfortable with my responses to her.
It is unrealistic to expect that every adoptive parent will be able to become a therapeutic adoptive parent. Some just don’t have the disposition, skills, opportunity or desire to handle an emotionally disturbed child. Frankly, some probably have too much of their own baggage to ever be able to raise healthy kids from any source-biological or adopted. One doesn’t have to have a homestudy to produce biological kids, and even the best agency can’t ferret out all of the prospective adopters who might have unresolved issues that interfere with healthy parenting.
The families that contact ADN have children from all over the world, including many domestically adopted kids. But there is no doubt that Eastern European kids comprise a population in and of themselves. The conditions in EE orphanages, and the prevalence of alcohol use and abuses have dramatically increased the likelihood that children will arrive in their new homes with significant issues. Perhaps this is a function of country requirements, but all of the multiple adoptions I have seen have been EE kids. Some agencies and adoption professionals declare that the Chinese children arrive with “no problems”, but that has not been my experience. I personally believe every adoptee has attachment issues at the very least. I don’t believe it is possible for a child not to be traumatized when they are separated from their birth parents. I am also well aware of the typical response I receive when I share that opinion with most adoptive parents. It is difficult for parents to hear that the child they have longed so desperately for, the child they worked so hard to acquire will arrive wounded to any degree. How much more devastating it is to those families to realize their child is severely wounded. Most disrupting parents feel they have no other option or they would never disrupt. Even if they ducked pre-placement scrutiny as best they could, they committed as best they could, at least in most cases. I don’t think people wade through the quagmire of adoption with an attitude of “no big deal if it doesn’t work out.” Unquestionably, some people have more tenacity and flexibility than others, and those are good qualities to have in order to maintain a commitment. But even the most tenacious of families are often pushed into the decision to disrupt because of adjustment, medical or financial burdens which they could not have foreseen. It is not a question of blame-it is a tragedy.
© Nancy Spoolstra, DVM
Credits: Used with permission from:
Attachment Disorder Network
www.radzebra.org
