When it Goes Awry, Page 2
Parental Strategies:0 - 6 months: Increase physical contact with your infant either by carrying her more or obtaining a front-mounting pack. Rocking her more often can help as well. If your infant responds more to one sensory modality than another, draw on that sense more when interacting. Identify which sounds, types of touch, rhythms, positions, sights, and smells your infant enjoys. Pair these up with things that cause a startle reaction to lower anxiety. If your infant is primarily a self-soother, imitate her soothing activities (e.g., rocking) and add an additional element such as singing or comforting touch.
6 -10 months: Maintain a consistent routine to promote regulation. Allow your infant her full range of feelings. Crying now may just signal a feeling and not a call for help. Such a cry need not be immediately soothed, but attachment can be promoted by staying with your infant while she’s distressed, for your physical presence validates her feeling. Attachment problems make an infant prone to backslide or regress developmentally. Allowing some regression and interacting with your infant at a younger level can help fill in earlier gaps in the attachment process. Imitate self-soothing behaviors if they predominate.
If you adopt an infant at this age, learn as much as you can about the previous placement and transfer as many elements as possible into your home. If your infant attached to her previous caretaker, expect a grief reaction, a cry unlike other infant cries. Offer physical comfort, but know that this grief can be inconsolable. If your infant doesn’t relax, then remain with her so that her grief becomes part of his relationship with you. This will facilitate bonding and attachment.
10-18 months: Many of the techniques for younger infants also apply here. As the child ages, allowing regression and interacting with your infant while she is regressed can become more important as a method of filling in the previous attachment gaps. If your child moves away from you to explore but does not return to check in you can encourage checking-in by placing some favorite objects near you after she has moved away and calling her attention to them. Praise your child for returning.
15 - 24 months: When your child’s wooing becomes coercion, limit the attention available and redirect your toddler to another activity. Firm limits are important to complete the bonding cycle of trusting limits. If this isn’t done, there is a risk of unraveling the attachment gains made to this point. Overindulgence, though well-intended, will bear no good fruit. Watch for opportunities to use language to assist your child to understand and express feelings and ideas. If things can be expressed verbally they won’t be acted out behaviorally.
If you adopt a child of this age, record all the details of placement day and of the previous caretakers. Maintain contact with those caregivers, including visits, and later phone calls and cards. The frequency of contact should lessen over time. Allow open discussion about previous caretakers. This will facilitate the transfer of bonding and attachment from them to you.
24 - 36 months: Regressions are also likely during this period if attachment is poor. Allowing for these and interacting with your toddler during them can strengthen weak spots from previous stages. Guard against any temptations to be overprotective because this will interfere with resolving separation anxiety. Build in planned absences which can facilitate the resolution of separation anxiety. When discipline is required, the "One Minute Scolding Technique" (see van Gulden and Bartels-Robb 1995, pp.154-155 for an explanation) can fill the need while also strengthening object constancy. Make a clear distinction between the child and the behavior. Keep expectations realistic. This is particularly important for parents who adopt a 2- or 3-year-old. Unrealistic expectations will block attachment from developing by creating a preponderance of disappointment.
Credits: Used with permission from:
9305 Mintwood Street
Silver Springs, MD 20901
301 589-3780
Fax 301 588-1933
lbsmith@annapolis.net
www.attachmentdisordermaryland.com
Lawrence Smith is a child, adolescent, adult and family therapist in private practice in Silver Spring, MD.
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