When it Goes Awry, Page 3
As children move into the preschool and school-age years, lingering attachment problems will result in increasing behavioral difficulties. There are some fundamental principles for parenting an older child with attachment problems.Educate her over and over that her behavior results from her choices and does not simply happen.
Maintain a balance between empathy for your child’s struggle and expectations of change.
Provide specific unavoidable consequences for specific behaviors. This helps teach cause and effect.
Provide forced choices for your child to choose between (example: pick up your toys or leave them on the floor and they will be taken away until tomorrow).
Teach your child that she will be happier if she learns to control her choices than by trying to control you.
When disciplining, provide empathy for the impact of the consequence while imposing it. This preserves attachment while maintaining discipline. It also prevents parents from unintentionally reinforcing behavior with an emotionally negative reaction.
Regressions in older children are more complex than in infants and toddlers. There is a more elaborate technique, termed Reparenting, for working with regression in the older child. (See van Gulden and Bartels-Robb 1995, 157-161 or Hughes 1997, pp. 235-7 for detailed explanations. Hughes [1997, Ch. 12] provides a detailed list of strategies for day-to-day situations with the older child).
Children with attachment problems can be very exhausting for parents, be they adoptive, foster, or biological children. They have a sixth sense for finding every button a parent has and pushing them all. If you have reached the point of feeling completely ineffective and discouraged, that is a warning signal that professional assistance should be considered.
References:
Greenspan, S., and Greenspan N.T. 1985. First Feelings. New York: Penguin.
Hughes, D.A. 1997. Facilitating Developmental Attachment. Northvale: Jason Aronson.
Peterson, J. 1994. The Invisible Road. Boulder, Colorado.
van Gulden H. and Bartels-Robb, L. 1995. Real Parents, Real Children. New York: Crossroad.
Credits: Used with permission from:
9305 Mintwood Street
Silver Springs, MD 20901
301 589-3780
Fax 301 588-1933
lbsmith@annapolis.net
www.attachmentdisordermaryland.com
Lawrence Smith is a child, adolescent, adult and family therapist in private practice in Silver Spring, MD.
